昨天是第三次諮詢, 諮商師拿了一副卡牌, 要我回想那時最令我心痛的場景,兒子半夜屈膝坐在床上, 完全不動, 雖然房間的燈是全亮的,但那時我感受到的只有兒子的位置有點光, 他周遭到整個房間的空間卻是黑暗的, 時間就好像停留在那一秒, 沉重的氛圍就好似連個呼吸都像是個打擾
要我選張卡牌代表那時的兒子, 我選了三張, 蜘蛛/老鼠/蛇, 我沒辦法單獨選擇一張, 因為我的感受那時的他像是這三張牌的混合體, 諮商師要我選擇哪張牌代表兒子給人的感覺, 我勉強選擇了老鷹, 但我覺得他比較像太陽, 因為很難不注意到他, 很陽光, 我主動說兒子自己本身應該會是像變色龍, 因為他覺得在不同人面前會有不同的呈現方式, 我覺得他太想滿足所有人, 而會忘了自己該是甚麼樣子. 當變色龍不是不好, 那應該是容易跟人相處或處理事情的一種手段, 但不該是討好別人
諮商師在一張空椅上放了一個人形木偶, 將它折成兒子在床上的姿勢, 將我選的卡牌放在椅子上, 把老鷹跟變色龍的牌子先翻面蓋住, 讓我想像兒子就在那坐著, 要我將不能講的或是不敢講的, 或是想講的,對著兒子說, 過程中諮商師引導著我, 釐清我的感受跟想法, 也對著兒子說一些話, 作為我與兒子之間溝通的橋樑
我重回到那時的場景, 情緒陷在裡面, 我哭了….我怪兒子怎會覺得他不在了, 我能過得好好的呢?我說了好多壓抑在心裡的話, 想問他的問題, 最後諮商師用紅色及綠色便條紙, 幫我釐清哪些是我們要再繼續下去探討的部分, 哪些是現在跟兒子呈現好的連結,持續觀察兒子現在的狀態, 至少會讓我對他的安全比較放心一點 我會擔心自殺的分數(1~4), 會從1突然變成4, 那我來不及去幫他, 我會很害怕
Yesterday was my third session. The counselor gave me a deck of cards and asked me to recall the most heartbreaking scene from that time: my son was sitting motionless on the bed in the middle of the night, knees bent. Although all the lights in the room were on, I only felt light coming from his position; the entire space around him was dark. Time seemed to stand still for a second, the heavy atmosphere making even breathing feel like a disturbance. She asked me to choose a card to represent my son at that moment. I chose three: a spider, a rat, and a snake. I couldn’t choose just one because I felt he was a combination of all three. The counselor asked me to choose a card to represent how my son gave off. I reluctantly chose the eagle, but I felt he was more like the sun because it’s hard not to notice him; he’s very sunny. I proactively said that my son himself is probably like a chameleon because he feels he needs to present himself differently to different people. I think he tries too hard to please everyone and forgets who he should be. Being a chameleon isn’t bad; it’s a way to get along with people and handle situations easily. But it shouldn’t be about pleasing others.
The counselor placed a human-shaped puppet on an empty chair, folding it to resemble my son in bed. They placed the cards I had chosen on the chair, first turning the eagle and chameleon cards face down, so I could imagine my son sitting there. I was asked to say to him what I couldn’t say, dared not say, or wanted to say. During this process, the counselor guided me, clarifying my feelings and thoughts, and also speaking to my son as a bridge for communication.
I was transported back to that scene, my emotions overwhelmed. I cried… I blamed my son for feeling like he was gone, for being able to live well. I said many things I had been suppressing, questions I wanted to ask him. Finally, the counselor used red and green sticky notes to help me clarify which parts we needed to continue exploring, which parts showed a good connection with my son, and how to continue observing his current state. This at least made me feel more at ease about his safety. I worried that my suicide score (1-4) might suddenly jump from 1 to 4. I’ll be too scared to help him in time.
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兒子上星期跟我提想去加入健身房會員, 還要上教練課, 這星期一他立馬獨自一人去健身房詢問細節, 然後回來跟我約時間要去健身房報名,剛好我星期三休假, 就跟他一起去了,在去之前, 我急急忙忙地很快粗算了一下我的預算, 之前幾個月因為同事離職, 我工作太累已經好幾個月沒在記帳了, 也不確定現在手頭上有多少可用資金, 粗算後, 幸好還夠, 我就能很安心地和兒子一起去健身房辦理手續
到了現場業務先講了一些, 後來教練也跟我們講細節,他聽到兒子說任何時間都有空, 他問說不是還要上課嗎? 我很快的接話自然地講”我讓他休息一年, 他現在很有空”教練就沒再問了 其實我早就想到總有一個場合會被問道為何兒子這個時段沒在上學, 或是被問休學的原因, 我會擔心兒子被問這個問題會感到有壓力,所以我先自己練習看怎麼回答, 也一直說服自己, 休學不過就是一種過程, 沒有關係, 可能因為有這些練習, 所以當場我能很自動的承接下回答這個問題的責任, 也免去了兒子或許會有的尷尬 也想讓他感受到, 我拋出休學的這個選項, 不是只是說說, 而是會打自內心裡會去支持他, 以實際的行動證明給他看 天塌下來, 我會陪他一起, 他可以放心去嘗試他想嘗試的事物
或許是因為我看起來就是沒在運動的人, 他們都會問我說為何來報名, 我都回答因為兒子想要來, 我就陪著她一起來,想跟他一起做件事 對於我這個舉動, 我感覺是挺自豪挺開心的, 雖然我跟他運動的時段大部分都不會在同一個時段, 但我卻感到我好像就陪在他身邊, 默默陪著他一起成長, 他有他的課題, 我也有我自己的課題要做, 所以我自己仍然繼續心理諮商課,有著一種感覺, 我人雖然都有往前走, 但我的心好像停留在過去某段回憶漩渦裡.或許得找回失落的那顆心, 我才能真正好好的去享受體驗我的人生
Last week, my son mentioned wanting to join a gym membership and take instructor classes. This Monday, he immediately went to the gym alone to inquire about the details. He then came back and we scheduled a time to register. Luckily, I had Wednesday off, so I went with him. Before going, I quickly did a rough budget calculation. Because of a colleague leaving, I’d been too busy with work for several months and hadn’t kept track of my expenses, so I wasn’t sure how much money I had available. Thankfully, the rough calculation showed I had enough, which reassured me enough to go with my son to complete the registration.At the gym, the sales staff explained some things, and then the instructor went over the details. When he heard my son say he was free anytime, he asked if he still had classes. I quickly and naturally replied, “I’m letting him take a year off; he’s very free now.” The instructor didn’t ask any more questions. Actually, I had anticipated that there would be an occasion where he would be asked why my son wasn’t in school at this time, or what the reason for his leave of absence was. I worried that my son would feel pressured by this question, so I practiced my answers beforehand, and kept reassuring myself that taking a leave of absence is just a process. It’s okay. Perhaps because of these practices, I was able to automatically take on the responsibility of answering the question on the spot, saving my son from any embarrassment. I also wanted him to feel that when I offered the option of taking a break from school, it wasn’t just talk, but a genuine commitment to supporting him and proving it to him with concrete actions. Even if the sky falls, I’ll be there for him; he can confidently try what he wants.
Perhaps because I don’t seem like someone who exercises regularly, people always ask me why I signed up. I always answer that it’s because my son wanted to come, so I came along and wanted to do something with him. I feel quite proud and happy about this. Although we don’t usually exercise at the same time, I feel like I’m right beside him, silently accompanying him as he grows. He has his challenges, and I have mine to face. So I’m still continuing my counseling classes. I have a feeling that although I’m moving forward, my heart seems to be stuck in a whirlpool of past memories. Perhaps I need to find that lost part of my heart before I can truly enjoy and experience my life.
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在臉書上看到一位朋友的發文, 她說去年11月時去韓國找她的女兒玩, 那時她發生腰痛, 回到台灣以後, 雙腳越來越容易失去平衡在家跌倒, 本來她以為是椎間盤突出,去台大醫院急診後,醫生告訴她,她得的是罕見疾病AQP4引起的NMOSD泛視神經脊隨炎
從去年11月中住院復健到今年4月才出院家, 住院第一個月,雙腳無力 只能坐輪椅做復健, 第二個月, 可以用助行器慢慢地走,第三個月可以用四腳拐走路,第四個月用單拐, 4月出院至今, 每天安排門診復健,現在平均一天可以走2000~3000步,沒辦法走太遠, 外出都需要有人陪,更體會到平安健康就是福. 醫生說童常發病前有打疫苗才會得這個病,但她沒打疫苗, 經過一連串的檢查後, 醫生說是她的免疫系統太強去攻擊她的神經,早成脊隨3節發炎(L5-S1)
人生真的很無常,誰都沒辦法預料下一秒會發生甚麼事情,或許我們無法完全阻止意外發生, 但我們可以選擇抱持著小小的希望之光, 去迎接下一次的光明.好好珍惜目前我們所擁有的
共勉之~~
I saw a post on Facebook from a friend who said that last November, she went to South Korea to visit her daughter. At that time, she experienced back pain. After returning to Taiwan, she found it increasingly difficult to balance and fall at home. Initially, she thought it was a herniated disc, but after going to the emergency room at National Taiwan University Hospital, the doctor told her she had a rare disease, AQP4-induced NMOSD (neurospondylodis Optic Disorder).
She was hospitalized for rehabilitation from mid-November last year until April this year. During the first month in the hospital, her legs were too weak, and she could only use a wheelchair for rehabilitation. In the second month, she could walk slowly with a walker. In the third month, she could walk with four crutches, and in the fourth month, she used a single crutch. Since her discharge in April, she has been scheduled for outpatient rehabilitation every day. Now, she can walk an average of 2000-3000 steps a day, but she can’t walk very far and needs someone to accompany her when going out. She has come to realize even more how precious health is. The doctor said that children who develop the disease must have been vaccinated before the onset of the illness, but she hadn’t been vaccinated. After a series of tests… The doctor said her immune system was too strong and attacked her nerves, causing inflammation of three spinal fasciculations (L5-S1).
Life is truly unpredictable; no one can foresee what will happen next. We may not be able to completely prevent accidents, but we can choose to hold onto a small glimmer of hope and greet the next light. Let’s cherish what we have now. Let’s encourage each other! -
今天下午我提早到了心理諮商所, 這一家的感覺跟上次我陪兒子去的那一家很不一樣, 上次那家有個書櫃 右邊陳列了非常多有關心理的書籍, 有的是那家諮商所裡面的諮商師寫的, 甚至有列出標價, 可以讓我們在等待的時間自己隨意翻閱, 也可以購買, 左邊則是諮商師自己的書籍, 就靜靜的待在書架上,不供開放使用
而今天這家諮商所, 擺了一個矮的雜誌架, 架上是孩童們在看的童書, 陳列架也是可愛的擺飾,在進去諮商間前,我注意到有間房間像是兒童遊樂室, 這樣的環境讓我覺得很親切,彷彿自己回到了童年
由於是第一次見面, 諮商師著重在多了解我, 我講了很多自己的事情, 不是太有架構, 但他卻能幫我整理出脈絡, 先幫我釐清我所擁有的支持資源網,甚至想看看有沒有其他可能可以支援我的人或團體
其中我提到自己會不自覺憋氣, 朋友也會這樣但會改由嘴巴呼吸, 但我的狀況是完全停止呼吸, 之前就有發現自己有這樣的情況,但由於這陣子家裡的因素, 我發現憋氣的次數變得更頻繁了, 而且憋氣的時間更長了,原本我以為用吸氣四秒吐氣四秒可以緩解這樣的狀況, 但諮商師告訴我, 在交感神經自律神經運作正常下, 這樣的作法確實可以緩解, 但不適用我現在的狀況, 我現在是特別敏感交感神經太強, 所以要用別種方式
1.想像一個會讓自己有壓力然後會導致憋氣的情境
2.發現自己憋氣後,繼續憋氣,不要用嘴巴呼吸,再來甚至可以用手指捏住自己的鼻子
3.一直憋到自己受不住時,放開手指, 慢慢地呼吸
以上這樣的方式, 是有點強迫交感神經/副交感神經重開機重新正常運作
當下我跟著做的時候, 有發現後來的吸氣, 好像能吸進比較多的氧氣量,胸腔的起伏也比之前的大一點, 你若跟我一樣會有不自覺憋氣的狀況,不妨試試看這個方法, 也可以給我回饋你做完後的感覺喔!
This afternoon I arrived at the counseling center early. This one felt very different from the one I went to with my son last time. That one had a bookshelf with many psychology books on the right, some written by the counselors there, some even priced, allowing us to browse and purchase them while waiting. The left side had the counselors’ own books, quietly sitting on the shelf, not open to the public.But this counseling center had a low magazine rack with children’s books, and the shelves were decorated with cute ornaments. Before entering the counseling room, I noticed a room that resembled a children’s playroom. This environment made me feel very welcome, as if I had returned to my childhood.
Since it was our first meeting, the counselor focused on getting to know me better. I talked about many things about myself, not very structured, but he was able to help me organize my thoughts. First, help me clarify my available support network, and even see if there are any other people or groups who might be able to support me.
I mentioned that I unconsciously hold my breath. My friends do this too, but they switch to breathing through their mouths. However, in my case, I completely stop breathing. I’ve noticed this before, but due to recent family issues, I’ve found that the frequency and duration of breath-holding have increased. I initially thought that inhaling for four seconds and exhaling for four seconds could alleviate this, but the therapist told me that while this might work when the sympathetic and autonomic nervous systems are functioning normally, it’s not suitable for my current situation. I’m currently particularly sensitive with an overactive sympathetic nervous system, so I need to use a different method:
- Imagine a stressful situation that leads to breath-holding.
- Once you find yourself holding your breath, continue holding it without breathing through your mouth. You can even pinch your nose with your fingers.
- Continue holding your breath until you can’t take it anymore, then release your fingers and breathe slowly.
This method somewhat forces the sympathetic/parasympathetic nervous system to restart and function normally again.
When I followed along… I noticed that with each inhalation, I seemed to be able to inhale more oxygen, and my chest rose and fell more. If you, like me, experience involuntary breath-holding, you might want to try this method. You can also give me feedback on how you feel after you finish!
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9/7(一)&9/8(二)這兩天孩子到學校,主要的任務是將課本等物品帶回家, 然後跑辦理休學的流程, 我以為這個流程應該會需要好幾天, 連導師也是這樣認為, 覺得他下星期至少還會去學校, 沒想到第二天就全部辦完了, 不禁令我感嘆,要考上一個高中得花費三年的時間,要中斷它僅僅不過兩天爾爾
孩子今天不能說是生龍活虎, 但至少有恢復一點元氣, 問我他還要不要早上四點半起床, 我說別了吧! 我們要以長遠來看, 六點起床就差不多了, 得到答案的他就去睡覺了
而今天的我顯得特別的疲憊, 雖然沒像前幾天那麼的緊繃, 但有點像是一顆洩了氣的皮球, 今天的工作不多, 我的狀態也比前幾天好一點, 雖然還沒恢復像過往的工作模式, 但至少不會再像之前,呆呆地看著電腦螢幕, 明知道有工作要做, 但就是動不了,心裡著急,卻無法驅動沒有靈魂的軀殼去做事情
主管跟同事都對我很好, 今天下午讓我臨時休假 回家休息, 我也把英文作業都寫完了, 心裡很滿意我今天的狀態, 也罷就跟兒子一起放下過去重新出發吧!
你有給過自己重新出發的機會嗎? 如果沒有,不妨一起嘗試一下吧!
On September 7th (Monday) and 8th (Tuesday), my child went to school, mainly to bring textbooks and other belongings home, and then to process the leave of absence. I thought this process would take several days, and even his advisor thought so, believing he would at least return to school next week. Unexpectedly, it was all completed on the second day. This made me realize that it takes three years to get into a high school, but only two days to interrupt it.
My child wasn’t exactly full of energy today, but at least he seemed to have recovered some. He asked if he still wanted to get up at 4:30 am. I said no, we need to think long-term; 6 am is about right. He went to sleep after getting that answer.
As for me, I felt particularly tired today. Although I wasn’t as tense as the previous days, I felt like a deflated balloon. There wasn’t much work today, and my condition was a little better than the previous days. Although I haven’t returned to my previous work routine, at least I’m not staring blankly at the computer screen anymore, knowing there’s work to do. But I just couldn’t move. I was anxious, but I couldn’t muster the energy to do anything.
My supervisor and colleagues were very kind to me; they gave me a temporary day off this afternoon to go home and rest. I also finished my English homework, and I’m quite satisfied with my state today. Oh well, let’s let go of the past and start afresh with my son!
My supervisor and colleagues were very kind to me; they gave me a temporary day off this afternoon to go home and rest. I also finished my English homework, and I’m quite satisfied with my state today. Oh well, let’s let go of the past and start afresh with my son!
Have you ever given yourself a chance to start over? If not, why not give it a try? -
自9/5(六)孩子找我, 跟我確定他決定要休學後, 這一天他的狀況挺好的, 雖然吃的量比以往少, 但至少在飯點時, 他有正常進食, 還主動說想泡澡, 選了一顆可愛的泡澡球, 當下很感恩, 我那個開心的兒子回來了
我也沒把握之後他的情緒會不會又到了谷底,據班導她的經驗, 可能會長達一年, 我只能好好把握每一個當下,照他期望的, 讓我把自己照顧好, 我自己心裡也是很糾結, 我的字典裡壓根沒出現過”休學”這個詞, 這時候才知道當個媽媽的心境, 只要孩子平安健康, 甚麼事情都好商量
而我自己的部份就讓我自己找諮商師以及好朋友們,好好的梳理吧!
Since my son contacted me on September 5th (Saturday) to confirm his decision to take a break from school, he seemed to be in good spirits that day. Although he ate less than usual, he ate normally at mealtimes and even asked for a bath, choosing a cute bath bomb. I was so grateful then; my happy son was back.I’m not sure if his emotions will plummet again. According to his homeroom teacher’s experience, it could last up to a year. I can only cherish every moment and do what he wants, taking good care of myself. I’m also very conflicted. The word “take a break from school” has never even appeared in my vocabulary. It’s only now that I understand the mindset of a mother: as long as my child is safe and healthy, everything is negotiable.
As for my own situation, I’ll find a counselor and good friends to help me sort things out.
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自從孩子8/28(五)發訊息請我幫他掛號精神科門診後, 至9/4(五)止, 這一周來的心情是起起伏伏, 也超過我自己能負荷的程度
8/29(六)精神科門診, 9/2(三) 諮商師談話, 9/3(四)拒絕再就醫跟諮商,他說他放棄治療了, 甚麼都不想做了, 9/4(五)這天是他這學期第一天上學, 這一天Line裡跟孩子的對話, 每每讓我膽戰心驚, 他要拋下我了, 他說了很多很傷人的話, 他要放棄他自己了, 我怎麼捨得放手呢?每一個字 每一個句子, 都可以深刻感受到他的痛, 每個字句都是他悲鳴的吶喊, 看著我的心好痛, 也有他的絕望, 他的疲累, 他真的想休息了, 但這麼大的世界, 沒有一個地方可以讓他好好休息, 所以想選擇去天堂, 但他不願意讓我跟著一起去, 因為他不覺得天堂是個好地方,只是他累了 在那裏他認為可以好好休息
這天是我這輩子最沒辦法控制自己的時候, 恐慌打從心裡散發至外, 莫名的冷, 渾身內外都在顫抖著, 崩潰的痛哭, 那種無助, 恐懼, 撐不住, 以前頂多是肩頸僵硬, 現在是從頭到腳的緊繃,不自覺的全身往內擠壓, 擠壓到整個胸口好像吸不到氧氣, 整個心臟好痛好像快被擠爆了
好在有學校班導師的支持, 這幾天分享一些經驗與想法, 加上有約到諮商師, 下個星期四開始諮商, 然後等著隔天9/5(六)醫院的精神科門診, 請醫生幫我開藥, 舒緩我恐慌焦慮的症狀
不然,我整天都是在想著,我到底該怎麼辦, 該怎麼說話才不會刺激到孩子, 該做些甚麼才能拉他一把, 要怎麼做我自己才能hold的住?
Since my child messaged me on August 28th (Friday) asking me to help him book an appointment with a psychiatrist, my emotions have been fluctuating wildly until September 4th (Friday), exceeding my capacity to cope.On August 29th (Saturday), he had a psychiatric appointment; on September 2nd (Wednesday), he had a counselor talk; on September 3rd (Thursday), he refused further medical treatment and counseling, saying he was giving up on treatment and didn’t want to do anything anymore. September 4th (Friday) was his first day of school this semester. Our conversations on Line that day filled me with dread. He was abandoning me; he said many hurtful things. He was giving up on himself. How could I bear to let go? Every word, every sentence, I could deeply feel his pain; every word was a mournful cry. My heart ached watching him. I felt his despair, his exhaustion. He really wanted to rest, but in this vast world, there was nowhere for him to truly rest. So he wanted to go to heaven, but he didn’t want me to go with him. Because he didn’t think heaven was a good place, he just felt tired and thought he could rest there.
This day was the most uncontrollable moment of my life. Panic emanated from my heart, a strange coldness, my whole body trembling inside and out, a breakdown and sobbing. The helplessness, the fear, the unbearable pain… before, at most my shoulders and neck were stiff, but now it was tension from head to toe, an involuntary inward compression of my entire body, so much so that my chest felt like I couldn’t breathe, my heart ached as if it was about to burst.
Fortunately, I have the support of my school tutor, who has shared some experiences and thoughts these past few days. I also have an appointment with a counselor, starting next Thursday, and then waiting for the next day, September 5th (Saturday), for my psychiatric outpatient appointment at the hospital to ask the doctor to prescribe medication to alleviate my panic and anxiety symptoms.
Otherwise, I’d be thinking all day about what to do, how to speak without upsetting my child, what to do to help him, and how to control myself.
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因為孩子最近的狀況, 讓我有些承受不住了, 跟朋友談完後, 決定提早執行我曾有的想法, [寫部落格文章], 把我職涯發展, 自我成長, 個人離婚, 父母長照, 小孩及身邊親近之人所發生的一些事情, 過程中的心境及怎麼自我調適, 分享出來, 讓大家可以做個參考
這是我自己選的一種自己療癒的方式, 如果你願意, 我也願意聆聽你的故事, 沒有對與錯, 相信每個選擇在當下都是最好的決定
在這裡, 接住了你, 也接住了我自己, 一起燃著小小的希望之光, 讓我們保有一丁點的力氣, 繼續生活下去
今天的你 還好嗎?
My child’s recent situation has been overwhelming. After talking with a friend, I decided to implement my long-held idea sooner rather than later: [writing blog posts]. I’ll share my experiences with career development, personal growth, my divorce, long-term care for my parents, my child, and those close to me, along with my feelings and how I’ve adjusted. I hope this can be a helpful reference for others.This is a self-healing method I’ve chosen. If you’re willing, I’m also willing to listen to your story. There’s no right or wrong; I believe every choice is the best decision in the moment.
Here, I’ve caught you, and I’ve caught myself. Together, let’s ignite a small glimmer of hope and keep a little strength to continue living.
How are you today?