昨天是第三次諮詢, 諮商師拿了一副卡牌, 要我回想那時最令我心痛的場景,兒子半夜屈膝坐在床上, 完全不動, 雖然房間的燈是全亮的,但那時我感受到的只有兒子的位置有點光, 他周遭到整個房間的空間卻是黑暗的, 時間就好像停留在那一秒, 沉重的氛圍就好似連個呼吸都像是個打擾
要我選張卡牌代表那時的兒子, 我選了三張, 蜘蛛/老鼠/蛇, 我沒辦法單獨選擇一張, 因為我的感受那時的他像是這三張牌的混合體, 諮商師要我選擇哪張牌代表兒子給人的感覺, 我勉強選擇了老鷹, 但我覺得他比較像太陽, 因為很難不注意到他, 很陽光, 我主動說兒子自己本身應該會是像變色龍, 因為他覺得在不同人面前會有不同的呈現方式, 我覺得他太想滿足所有人, 而會忘了自己該是甚麼樣子. 當變色龍不是不好, 那應該是容易跟人相處或處理事情的一種手段, 但不該是討好別人
諮商師在一張空椅上放了一個人形木偶, 將它折成兒子在床上的姿勢, 將我選的卡牌放在椅子上, 把老鷹跟變色龍的牌子先翻面蓋住, 讓我想像兒子就在那坐著, 要我將不能講的或是不敢講的, 或是想講的,對著兒子說, 過程中諮商師引導著我, 釐清我的感受跟想法, 也對著兒子說一些話, 作為我與兒子之間溝通的橋樑
我重回到那時的場景, 情緒陷在裡面, 我哭了….我怪兒子怎會覺得他不在了, 我能過得好好的呢?我說了好多壓抑在心裡的話, 想問他的問題, 最後諮商師用紅色及綠色便條紙, 幫我釐清哪些是我們要再繼續下去探討的部分, 哪些是現在跟兒子呈現好的連結,持續觀察兒子現在的狀態, 至少會讓我對他的安全比較放心一點 我會擔心自殺的分數(1~4), 會從1突然變成4, 那我來不及去幫他, 我會很害怕
Yesterday was my third session. The counselor gave me a deck of cards and asked me to recall the most heartbreaking scene from that time: my son was sitting motionless on the bed in the middle of the night, knees bent. Although all the lights in the room were on, I only felt light coming from his position; the entire space around him was dark. Time seemed to stand still for a second, the heavy atmosphere making even breathing feel like a disturbance. She asked me to choose a card to represent my son at that moment. I chose three: a spider, a rat, and a snake. I couldn’t choose just one because I felt he was a combination of all three. The counselor asked me to choose a card to represent how my son gave off. I reluctantly chose the eagle, but I felt he was more like the sun because it’s hard not to notice him; he’s very sunny. I proactively said that my son himself is probably like a chameleon because he feels he needs to present himself differently to different people. I think he tries too hard to please everyone and forgets who he should be. Being a chameleon isn’t bad; it’s a way to get along with people and handle situations easily. But it shouldn’t be about pleasing others.
The counselor placed a human-shaped puppet on an empty chair, folding it to resemble my son in bed. They placed the cards I had chosen on the chair, first turning the eagle and chameleon cards face down, so I could imagine my son sitting there. I was asked to say to him what I couldn’t say, dared not say, or wanted to say. During this process, the counselor guided me, clarifying my feelings and thoughts, and also speaking to my son as a bridge for communication.
I was transported back to that scene, my emotions overwhelmed. I cried… I blamed my son for feeling like he was gone, for being able to live well. I said many things I had been suppressing, questions I wanted to ask him. Finally, the counselor used red and green sticky notes to help me clarify which parts we needed to continue exploring, which parts showed a good connection with my son, and how to continue observing his current state. This at least made me feel more at ease about his safety. I worried that my suicide score (1-4) might suddenly jump from 1 to 4. I’ll be too scared to help him in time.